BUGS BUNNY VERSUS THE PIGEONS

Dramatic monologue (Dave Bluefield)

Ok, come on in. Thank you for responding to my distress call.
Let's hook this thing up and pray that it works.

You know for the first 6 months I had no problem at all with the pigeons at my apartment here at the beach. Apparently the fake owls on the roof above and balcony below were keeping them away. But then they found me.Then they targeted my balcony. Everyday. Every 10 minutes. Shit shit shit and more shit.

First I called the apartment manager and he came right over with a fake owl of my own. I filled it with sand so it wouldn't fall over the balcony, and waited. One hour. Two hours. Nothing, No pigeons.Then suddenly, these same two pesky flying rats had returned to my balcony with renewed vigor. Every 10 minutes. Landing right next to my new owl. How adorable. Like long lost friends.

Next I would try a rubber band gun. The plan was to sneak up on those noisy disease carriers and blast them off the ledge. But before I would buy either the expensive Smith & Wesson or Star Trek versions online, I would try regular rubber bands first. Snap. Missed. Snap again. Missed again. Snap right into my wrist. Ouch. Those pesky birds were much too quick for the lousy shot I apparently was- I needed something with a wider range.Water.

So, option two in my Bugs Bunny versus the Pigeon Nemesis cartoon was I would drench them with a water tommy-gun.
First, I tested it by throwing water from a glass, but they out ran it every single time and never felt a drop. With a blaster from ToysR Us I realized I could cause some collateral damage on poor unsuspecting folks walking peacefully below me, so, still believing the owl's repellant powers would magically return, I would wait one 
more day before getting the top of the line AK47. Then I saw it.

As I waded through the fresh pigeon shit to look around, there it was- tucked neatly and quietly in the corner, in an area partially covered by a lawn chair, a nest with a baby pigeons egg resting on top. Can you believe it?….those two pigeons were a couple of love birds making a baby-shitter at my house. Now what?

I quickly tossed the nest over the side and watched the twigs fly all apart, the egg breaking open to feed a horde of hungry Seagulls. I felt guilty for all of 3 seconds. Then I waited again. Day one. Day two. Day three. Some hope. And, then, on day 4, like nothing at all was amiss, the pigeons returned. Shit shit and shit.

And another nest! And another egg. This time in the other corner. And another hurling of both nest and egg to the ground below, this time yelling "Get the fuck off my balcony" .The people in the parking lot below me were thinking
that I was going crazy and they were right.

The tenant downstairs gave me some pigeon deterring spikes, that did not work. Another tenant downstairs had solved the problem with netting, but that would be too costly. I want to be able to look out over my balcony not be trapped inside it. Fuck those birds for ruining my life.

So I channelled my inner Bugs Bunny and ratcheted things up.I would leave the screen-door ajar and have a broom waiting for me on the balcony. Then I would ever so quietly grab the broom and sneak up on the unsuspecting turd droppers like Babe Ruth and Bambino them off into space. But all I did was whiff. And whiff again while the venders in the parking lot below laughed heartily at my pathetic attempts to hit a moving target. And now, with the screen-door open, those tiny-brained bastards actually flew into my apartment to shit some more, only this time on my couch!

Stop laughing. This is serious. I only told you this so you can see how desperately I need this high-pitched noise-emitter deterrent to work. You say it's been on this whole time? Well, so far so good. Oh, do you hear that? 
It's those new next door neighbors of mine.  Yelling. Shouting. Screaming."Get your pigeon-shitting asses the fuck off of my balcony!"

Far out. Thank you noise-emitter. Hey I wonder if those neighbor kids would be interested in a good deal on a hardly used fake owl.

Wait. A few days later the noise-emitter had been knocked over the top of the balcony wall only to splatter on the pavement below.

Now what? I friend of mine told me about a pigeon solution that worked for his buddy in Florida. Fishing line ! Extended acrossabout 2-3 inches apart would surely work. I went to a store and got the line and hooks to attach it and lo and behold I had a barrier.

I say on the couch looking out and sure enough a pigeon approached only to hold up and be repelled by the force field-it worked. I could hear the "screeeeech" of pigeon brakes. But not so fast- the next day I saw the same old pigeon shit on the ground with several remnants of pigeon feathers left behind on the fishing line...yes they flew through the openings sacrificing feathers to get to my side and shit in peace.

God help me. I moved. I come around every once in a while and see that the new tenant has taken down the fishing line- the fool.The cartoon continues only I get to see it from the perspective of a viewer instead of the participant...whoopee.